You Get The Life You Believe You Deserve
To be honest, five years ago the title of this article would have pissed me off. Today, it resonates. I understand the philosophy behind the statement now. It doesn’t anger me anymore – instead it inspires me.
Five years ago I was in a very different place. Post-divorce, I was working a job that was slowly killing me. The travel and hours alone could have done it but adding to it was the nature of the position itself. As any Personal or Executive Assistant can attest, it’s very easy to lose yourself – your identity – when your nine to five (or in my case, seven to seven) revolves around the needs of one specific person and supporting their purposes in life.
Don’t get me wrong – the job was amazing and taught me things about myself that proved invaluable and it afforded me opportunities that I otherwise wouldn’t have been exposed to – it also fed my children and put a roof over our heads. For these things, I will always be grateful. But at some point, you have to draw the line as to what you are willing to sacrifice. As much as I loved the person that I worked for, the remainder of my life couldn’t be about being their cheerleader and making their life easier without applying some of that same energy to my own life.
The thing is, much like my marriage, I would have stayed in that “Head Cheerleader” position for the rest of my days. I would have promoted, encouraged, cheered, assisted and revolved my life around theirs until I retired. THANK GOD, my boss had other plans! I feel like the day that they decided to end things might have been the biggest, most life altering, blessing-in-disguise that I have ever received. Of course in the moment, I was heartbroken – but today I see it for the gift it truly was. During my divorce, having the job saved my financial life but walking away from that same job years later, saved my physical one.
The same can be said for my marriage. After years of his affairs and abuse and even more of my threats of divorce, my then-husband finally one day just responded, “File.” He wasn’t just calling my ‘last-resort, end-of-my-rope’ bluff – he was serious. He saw something much the same as my boss saw in my working relationship – it was time to end things. In both instances, my heart wasn’t there anymore and I was too weak and too scared to end it myself. They both had performed relationship euthanasia. They both saved my life.
Why had I let both relationships get to such a far gone place? Because I didn’t feel like I deserved better in either one. That’s a tough pill to swallow – a difficult sentence for me to even type out now, years later.
Today, I know that limits are not only okay, but essential. Saying ‘no’, whether it be to a boss or a husband, is critical. Saying, “You need to hire a professional mover,” instead of “SURE! I’ll pack your very large home up and lug it across town and unpack it into your new home,” is just as important as saying, “No, I will not allow infidelity in my marriage.” I said neither and ended up with a back injury and a broken heart. The latter healed – my back still hurts to this very day.
I’m grateful for where I am today and without the lessons that I learned in both of these unhealthy relationships, I wouldn’t be where I am. Back then, I was constantly trying to ‘prove myself’ and my value to those around me. ‘Look how far I’ll go to please you!’ Today, I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself. I know my own value and if those around me don’t treasure it, then they don’t deserve to have it. Boom. Mic drop. I have left the building.
As for the millions of women who are still out there, stuck in places out of fear or temporary necessity or because you think it’s the best you’ll ever get – my message to you is to please take one baby step every single day to work toward something better. Every morning when you wake up, envision the life that you want for yourself and figure out one thing – however small – that you can do to move yourself in that direction. Do something every day, no matter how seemingly imperceptible, to elevate the quality of your life. All those ‘seemingly imperceptibles’ add up. Know with all of your heart, mind and soul that you not only deserve it but that it is within your reach to actually have it.
Lastly…love yourself. You are beautiful, smart, and strong and you can move mountains. Look in the mirror and remind yourself every day of these facts. You deserve to live your best life but only you get to decide what that best life is and remember…you get the life you believe you deserve.