The Divorced Woman’s ‘Things I’m Thankful For’ Checklist: Adultery Edition

Just Some New Year Reflections of Gratitude

1. I’m thankful that I don’t have to wonder where you are at 2am and then pretend I believe you when you tell me ‘with friends’.

2. I’m thankful that I won’t ever again have to discover your balled up underwear at the bottom of the bathroom wastebasket. The underwear that you put there after the shower you immediately took when you got home after 2am and lied to me about where you were. (See #1)

3. I’m thankful that I won’t ever have to watch you sneak into the backyard to take those whispered phone calls.

4. I’m thankful that I won’t ever have to hear our kids say, “but we called the office and you weren’t there either.”

5. I’m thankful that I won’t ever have to play the ‘lip dodge and cheek peck’ game with you when you come home from your nights out with ‘the boys’. Although I guess I should be appreciative now knowing where those lips probably were.

6. I’m thankful for no more bumbling explanations of the mysterious charges on your card or money missing from our savings.

7. I’m thankful that I won’t have one more uncomfortable conversation with my Gynecologist about an STD you gave me that I can’t even pronounce.

8. I’m thankful that I’ll never have to look at the condoms in your briefcase. The ones that popped up after the STD episode. (Refer to #7) Silly question: Why does a married man who had a vasectomy 7 years ago need condoms?

9. I’m thankful that there will be no more hang-ups on our home phone.

10. I’m thankful that there will be no more long brown hairs in my car. Or on my clothes. Or on my children. Or on my dog.

11. I’m thankful that I don’t have to wait in hopeful anticipation for the $1,200 piece of jewelry that showed up on our credit card right before Christmas two years ago. It’s pretty clear now that it wasn’t for me.

12. I’m thankful that I finally reached my breaking point and mustered up the courage to file for divorce. I am thankful for the peace, love and happiness that infuses my home, the food that fills our children’s bellies and the smiles on their beautiful faces. I’m thankful for the ever-increasing independence and confidence that I feel each day that I’m away from you. I’m thankful that my ulcer has healed and my blood pressure is back to normal. I’m thankful that now instead of being angry with you, I just feel sorry for you….sorry because you let an incredible woman slip through your fingers who will never be yours again.