Six Things to Know Before You File for Divorce
The “D” word. It’s sometimes difficult to even say it out loud. No one wants to get a divorce. No one starts out their marriage thinking it will end with custody schedules and division of assets but the reality is that sometimes it does.
You’ve been thinking about it for a while now. You’ve been unhappy for longer than you’ve been happy. You’ve tried counseling, spoken to your clergy, been on (a few) romantic reconnection getaways, you’ve spent time apart, time together….nothing has worked and you feel like you are ready to take the next step.
When you get to that point, here are some important things to consider before you start the process.
-
- Be sure. Don’t use it as a tool to get your spouse’s attention or to manipulate them. Only start the process if you have really thought it through and believe that your life will be better (long and short term) without this person as your partner. Create the classic “Pros and Cons” list and really envision what your life would be like without them. Marriage might not be forever but divorce is.
- Protect yourself. It sounds cold but now is not the time to share all the details of your plans with your future ex-husband. It will be “Smith vs Smith” and the sooner you understand that the “vs” really does mean “versus”, the better able you will be to protect your interests and rights. Divorce can be quite amicable at first but when you get into the guts of the process nothing about it is pretty. You are both most likely fighting for your financial lives and if there are children involved the stakes are even higher.
- Find a good attorney. This in itself can be a process. Most attorneys offer free consultations. It will never hurt to meet with 3 or more different attorneys. You will learn something new from each consultation. You need to connect with and feel heard by the person who will be representing you. Be honest with him or her! The worse thing you can do is to hide things from your attorney. It could end up costing extra time (which translates to more money) when they have to learn things from “the other side.”
- HONESTLY assess your situation. One of the things that you will learn about yourself and your situation during the consultation process is whether or not you can even afford to divorce. The sad reality is that couples are sometimes stuck in marriages because they simply can’t afford to live apart. It’s a tough pill to swallow but if the choice is between staying together or potentially not having suitable food and housing for you and your children, you may be staying together for a little longer than you hoped. That doesn’t mean it’s not possible! It just means that you may have to restructure some things in your life before you can file. This does NOT apply to abusive situations. If you or your children are being abused in any way, there are agencies that will help you through the process and keep you safe until you can get back on your feet again.
- Documentation. Take copies of at least your past three years of bank statements, debt, assets and expenditures (checkbook, credit card statements, vacations, home improvements) and most importantly TAX RETURNS. If you have cash tucked away, document that as well. This could save you time and money if your spouse tries to hide assets or manipulate finances and you end up needing to request the documentation from 20 different places. Have it all in one safe place before you start the process and things potentially turn ugly.
- Execute the plan. This is it. You’ve done the leg work, you’ve chosen your attorney, your house is in order (financial and figurative) and now it’s time to execute the plan. Sit down with your spouse and calmly communicate to them that you are filing for divorce. If you feel that things could get heated you might want to choose a safe public place to have this discussion. Start things off on the right foot and ask where they might want to be served. Explain to them that you want things to be as amicable and equitable as possible.
No part of divorce is fun. It will most likely be the most stressful, traumatic (and dramatic) time of your life. If you keep focused on the reasons you made the decision in the first place and keep imagining what your life will be like when it’s over (which may require some therapy!) you will get through to the other side.