Marriage: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

You can take all the ‘Should I Leave Him’ quizzes you want to. You can listen to all the ‘experts’ expound upon the pros and cons of both staying and leaving. You can vent to friends, therapists, neighbors, colleagues, your dry cleaner – or whatever other audience you have – to gauge their reactions. You can even go to psychics or have your birth moment charted or look for all the right signs in the universe to tell you whether or not what you have is salvageable. Disclaimer: I, myself, may or may not have done all of the above things. Twice.

The bottom line? The bottom line is that you are literally the only person in the world who has all the pieces of information -all the nuances, if you will- of your marital history. All the ups, downs, and in-betweens. All the low blows and dirty deeds. Or all the moments so sweet that thinking about them even in the darkest hours of your marriage can still make you smile.

The problem is that even when we have all the information, sometimes we have problems honestly assessing it.

Danger, Danger

There’s a certain danger in looking outward for the answers to our marital problems. Yes, it feels good to vent to friends and hear the things that you secretly want them to say. “What a jerk! I can’t believe he did that!” And sometimes it truly can be helpful because it allows you to get outside of your own head and heart to better evaluate the situation. I’m not against a good vent session – occasionally and honestly.

Here’s the danger: Your truth might be different from his truth and both of those truths might be very different from the actual truth. Our truths are limited by what we allow ourselves to see, feel and process.

Look Inward

I write about divorce and how to survive it. And that’s all well and good because the reality is that divorce exists for a reason. It has its place. But what if you don’t have to get to that point? What if, through honest assessment, self-awareness, accountability and a big fat piece of humble pie, we begin to own our part in where things stand today? That part may only be 20% but imagine that if by owning that small part, it opens the doors to your partner owning the other 80%. Or, maybe, the numbers are flipped and you have some work to do.

The Marriage Table

Picture marriage as if it were a table. On Day One, it’s strong and clean and shiny and beautiful. But as each day passes you and your partner put things on that table, both good and bad. Imagine that the good things are weightless and that you can put as much on the table as you want. Then imagine that every bad thing weighs one hundred pounds. The first couple of times that you put some bad things on the table it’s okay because the legs are strong and can support the weight. But after a while the weight becomes too much and you start to see cracks in the surface.

That’s the time to start owning the bad stuff. We do this by picking it up off the table and assessing how it got there. Did I place it here? Is this mine? Because if I put it here and have been blaming my partner for its presence, I might have some apologies to make.

Only Human

Look, we’re all humans just trying to live our best lives for however long we are blessed to be here. Part of living our best lives is to know ourselves – both our strengths and our weaknesses- and to improve upon the latter. Wanting to grow and do better is a good thing. It’s not something to be ashamed of and a good partner will recognize that. A good partner will support and encourage your growth because not only does it make you a better person, it makes you a better partner. It enhances both of your lives.

To Know Thyself is the Beginning of Wisdom

Now go do what needs to be done! Meditation, prayer, reading, watching videos….your path to self-reflection and self-assessment is yours to choose. It might not be easy but it will be worth it. Don’t know where to begin? It sounds silly but you can start by googling “how to know yourself.” So many great suggestions pop up. Then just keep clicking until you start to find things that resonate and contribute to your growth.

Through that growth, you are able to have a more honest view of your marriage and your part in its current state. Then you can start to make the more difficult decisions about whether or not to stay in it.