Divorce Recovery: The Road is Different for Each Woman

Don’t feel pressure to heal at any pace but your own.

After my divorce, it took me longer than most to finally feel like I was finding my groove. Heck, it took me two whole years to figure out that it was even missing!

When I started the divorce process, I was a mess. Depressed, bloated, physically sick, emotionally sick….most likely a little mentally sick, as well. I was afraid of everything, including my own shadow. I couldn’t make a decision about dinner, never mind a decision about my marriage.

The only thing that I knew for sure was that I couldn’t live this life anymore. I needed to stop being the only person in my marriage who was willing to fight for its existence.

After many years of back and forth, I approached my then-husband and told him that I was going to file for divorce. It didn’t go well. His final words on the subject that day were something like, “Good luck. You can’t afford an attorney. You’re not going to have a pot to piss in when this is over.” I filed anyway.

Somewhere in the process, I started to believe in myself again. I had so lost myself in the ugliness of a crazy marriage that I forgot that I had value.

When I filed, I had a part-time job as an assistant. This part-time job evolved into a full time one and I was able to live without the alimony and child support check that was dangled in front of me every week like a treat above a dog. “Sit, girl! Be a good girl and beg.” My responsibilities increased and with them so did my confidence.

I hadn’t realized just how much of a healing had taken place until one Friday night on my couch. With my pup snuggled against my thigh, a glass of Pinot in my hand, freshly popped popcorn in front of me and a night of Netflix on the horizon, I looked around me at the new home that my children and I had created. It was small but filled with all the things that we loved and were important to us; photos of childhood and ancestors, books old and new, comfy throws and pillows and most importantly, lots of love. I suddenly realized something remarkable. THIS was my new groove and I liked it!

I ordered my go-to movie that I had already watched so many times that I recited the words before the actors did. But this time it had a different meaning. Instead of focusing on Frances’ survival of divorce in Under the Tuscan Sun, I focused on the last minutes of the film when she meets Ed.

For the first time I found myself thinking of the possibility of my very own ‘Ed’ to share life with. Someone better suited for me than my ex-husband was. This was a major milestone for me because prior to this point I couldn’t think about a man friend without fear and anxiety.

While I still may not be ready to plunge into the dating pool, it was nice to feel the water again. Until I’m ready to swim it’s nice to know that my world is filled with good things that I can enjoy….at my own pace.