Successful Marriage 101: Respect ‘Nothing’

Marriage is a tricky business. The expectation that two people, two separate and distinct energy fields, two individual wills, backgrounds, experiences, egos and secrets can merge their lives together without going mad is a lot to manage.

Coupled with that, many times people get married way too young. By ‘young’ I don’t necessarily mean your chronological age…you can be 30 (or 40!) and still be ‘too young’. To me, being a grown-up just means that you’ve put in the work and you know yourself, your goals, your purpose and most importantly what you need in a partner. It’s very difficult to ‘grow up’ while you’re married because there’s no guarantee that you will grow toward each other.

Respecting Space

One of the best things that you can give each other as a couple is to respect each other’s space. It’s both the most difficult and simultaneously easiest thing to do but it will all depend on how ‘grown’ you are as a person (please re-read paragraph 2).

Many times in a relationship, especially in the early days, you want to spend every waking moment with your person. It’s understandable. We get it. But there does come a time when you have to allow each other to have time alone to rest, regroup, meditate, heal…basically to just focus on themselves. Remember, the stronger your partner is as an individual, the better his or her ability to be a partner will inevitably be.

Let the Sun Shine

When my husband (now ex) and I moved into together, one of the first things that I realized was that our weekend morning routines clashed. During the week we both woke up at the same time because our work schedules matched but on weekends…TOTALLY different story. He liked to sleep with the shades wide open so that he woke up with the sun. Me, not so much.

On the weekends, I liked to wake up slowly. I liked to put some coffee on, grab the paper off the front step, turn on some light jazz and write in my journal. I could literally stay cuddled up on my window bench seat for hours just sipping coffee and listening, writing and watching nature unfold in my backyard. Heaven.

The first weekend after we were truly settled in our home, with no set schedule of movers or cleaners or unpacking to do, I tried to reinstate my Sunday morning routine. On Saturday night, I pulled the shades down to our bedroom windows. He looked at me like I had three heads.

When I explained what I had planned for the following morning, his look of disappointment (did I also see a little bit of disgust or am I misremembering it?), spoke volumes. He couldn’t understand how I could ‘waste’ a Sunday morning ‘lounging around’ when there were things to do!

“I didn’t realize you were gonna be this lazy once we moved in.”

WHAAAAAAT?

So instead of explaining to him about self-care (this was 30 years ago so I honestly don’t know that I had the words to explain such a concept), I slept with the shades open for the 7 years of cohabitation and 16 years of marriage that was our life together. Don’t worry, I too want to reach back in time and pinch that young girl.

As the years went on, my resentment for him grew because any time that I sat down to rest I felt guilty. After I made and cleaned up dinner, he would casually ask me if his tan pants were clean or remind me that the Nordic Track that I requested for my birthday was collecting dust or he’d ask me if I felt like making him banana bread for his lunch. It was always something and always the pleaser, I would jump right up and preheat the oven or run to check on the tan pants or go upstairs to stare at the Nordic Track. After a while he didn’t even need to say anything. He was Pavlov and I was the well-conditioned dog. If I would ever sit down I would think to myself, “I should clean the shower while I have time,” or “Now might be a good time to pay bills.”

What eventually happened was that I stopped caring for myself altogether. I just became this machine that cooked, cleaned, changed diapers, nursed babies, made lunches, checked homework and packed sports bags. Don’t get me wrong! I felt grateful to be doing all of these things. I loved my life and all that I had been blessed with. But everyone needs time to themselves to recalibrate – even if it was just for an hour on Sunday morning to sip coffee and listen to jazz.

It wasn’t one-sided. I didn’t respect his space either. There were times when he would come home from work and want to have fifteen minutes to sit in his car and listen to the radio. I didn’t give that to him. I needed him inside to help hold babies or unclog a lego-filled toilet or help with whatever that day’s emergency was. I think I was just so resentful of the fact that I didn’t have 15 minutes to sit undisturbed in a car every day that I didn’t want him to have it either.

The BS We Feed Ourselves to AVOID Ourselves

The bottom line as I see it is this…everyone deserves, no NEEDS, to have their space respected. It’s okay to say, “I need five minutes.” Or an hour. OR A DAY! Because guess what? Those moments go a long way. They help you to get back in touch with yourself and your timeline and purpose. Your purpose can’t be to make someone else happy. Your purpose has to incorporate your own happiness as well.

And don’t cop out on me and say, “Oh, but my happiness comes from making the people around me happy.” That’s BS! Your happiness comes from within. Your happiness may involve making those around you happy but you’re still going to need to feed that part of your soul that exists when everyone else’s needs are met. You’re still going to have to know that part of yourself. You need to feed that part, even if only in small meals, to keep her alive for when the kids are grown or need you less. Keep her alive so that if divorce happens, you don’t lose your way…the way I did.

Ask, And You Shall Receive

No one is going to respect your space if you don’t respect it yourself. You have to protect it and cherish it. You have to be prepared to fight for it. But first you have to ask for it. You need to let those around you know that it’s something that’s important for your well-being.

“Hey listen, honey. Sometime during each day, I’m going to need about 15 minutes to myself to (fill in the blank: pray, meditate, sing, dance, read, Netflix and chill….).

No reasonable partner will deny you this. It may even open up the door to communicate other things that either of you might need.

Nothing, is Everything

So the next time you feel guilty about taking time for yourself to sit down and do ‘nothing’, remember that ‘nothing’ could possibly be the best gift to give yourself and give to your partner.

A little ‘nothing’ goes a long way.