When ‘Two’ Is Actually The Loneliest Number

I’m going to preface this article by repeating what I’ve written in many of my other posts: I am not a fan of divorce, I don’t think every woman should run to a lawyer every time there’s a problem in her marriage, I’m not a divorce ‘pusher’, divorce is not the answer to everything and last but not least, all men are not evil. In fact, the very large majority of men are pretty freaking fantastic.

Having said that, much of the ‘Because You Can’t Kill Him’ website is dedicated not only to helping women through the divorce process and its aftermath, but also to recognizing when it might be a viable option in the first place and thereby helping women give themselves permission to at least explore it as one of many possible solutions.

Every woman has her own journey. What one person may deem an acceptable reason for divorce might seem silly to another. But everyone has the right to determine what they need from a partner, and more importantly, if they’re adequately receiving it.

Two summers ago, a friend of mine was lamenting to me about the problems in her marriage. She started the vent session by saying, “This is going to seem silly to you.”

The reason she lead with this was because a few years prior, she had held my hand through what she herself had labeled ‘one of the worst divorces by two of the most ill-paired people she had ever met.’ She wasn’t wrong.

I assured her that nothing she confided in me would ever seem silly and she went on to tell me how heartbreakingly lonely she was. Admittedly, at first I was kind of like, “Lonely? How can you be lonely…you’re married to a man that loves you to pieces and treats you like a queen?”

But the further she got into her story, the more I saw how challenging her marriage had become. To top it off, she struggled with the guilt of knowing that she had this great guy who another woman would be thrilled to be married to and she was struggling to figure out ways to relieve the feelings of sadness that overwhelmed her.

The problem was that they were both incredibly different people. She loved to travel and dine out and experience new things. His idea of travel was an annual road trip to LL Bean for new fishing gear. She loved the theatre and going to concerts. He fell asleep every time she tried to bring him to a show and their different taste in music made choosing concerts so difficult that by the time they agreed on an artist, the shows were sold out.

For a while, they tried to get their needs met through their external friendships but inevitably they ended up spending more time with their friends than they did with each other. This arrangement might have worked had the lonely feeling not been intensified when she returned back home to her husband.

In their defense, they had gotten married so young that these differences didn’t seem important to their undercooked frontal lobes. They thought their love could get them through everything….until it couldn’t. That hot and passionate young love had cooled down to something that was more akin to sibling love. Ew, right?

Her divorce ‘a-ha’ moment came after spending a weekend with him, just the two of them. They had planned the weekend carefully to incorporate both of their interests. It was unspoken that this was somewhat of a do-or-die moment for their marriage. I think they were both looking for some sort of ‘reset’ button on their life together.

On Sunday, on what should have been a romantic and cozy fireside brunch, they started to talk about their future. She had described a life of travel and adventure and he had described what to her seemed like, “a lifetime of Sundays in front of a television screen, drunkenly cheering the Patriots to victory.” Again…one woman’s dream marriage was her worst nightmare.

But no one gets to judge her on this. Not me (believe me, I started to). Not anyone. And no one gets to make her the bad guy either. She has one life, one opportunity to live it in a way that brings her joy, fulfillment and passion.

They both knew that they had to end their marriage.

I didn’t get to return the favor of holding her hand through her divorce. She didn’t need me. She was too busy living her best life. As of this writing, she’s in the process of moving to the other side of the country. As for her ex-husband? He’s now with a woman who loves him and his Sunday’s cheering the New England Patriots to victory. They are both genuinely happy, separately.

Their journey makes me think about all the unhappy couples around the world. The ones that will never divorce because they don’t think it’s an option. The ones that pick away at each other’s spirits each day, one passive-aggressive action at a time. The ones that take pride in the fact they have been married for 10, 20, 30 years but when asked if they were happy years respond, “What does ‘happy’ have to do with anything?”

Marriage isn’t easy. There aren’t always easy solutions to problems that arise. Some problems are fixable with therapy or better communication or compromise. Some aren’t. For those that aren’t, I hope and pray that those couples realize that it’s okay to say, “We made a mistake.” It’s okay to start over separately. Because sometimes, the absolute loneliest you can be, is with the wrong partner standing next to you.