Gaslighting 101: Defined, The Signs and Losing Your Mind

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last few years, you’ve undoubtedly heard the term ‘gaslighting’ before. If you’re from my generation (Generation X), the term may conjure up images of the old gas stoves that you’d re-ignite whenever the pilot light went out. Which is actually kind of funny because after I first heard the expression ‘gaslighting’ I couldn’t remember the name and told someone that they were ‘stovelighting’. I wish I were kidding.

Gaslighting as defined by Merriam-Webster is “to attempt to make (someone) believe that he or she is going insane (as by subjecting that person to a series of experiences that have no rational explanation)”. But it’s not always that cut and dry.

The complexities and nuances that go hand-in-hand with gaslighting are unlimited. In fact, that’s the very nature of gaslighting. A good gaslighter will change and evolve as needed to keep the target guessing and questioning. It’s not always as extreme as trying to make the person think they’re insane but it’s always about manipulation.

Here’s an example. When I was married, my then-husband had an affair. When I started to suspect, I started to ask him questions about the different things he was doing. There had been a sharp and sudden increase in after-work meetings, dinners, ‘bro’s-nights’ and fishing trips.

Me (knowing that there had been no meeting): “So…big meeting after work, huh?”

Him (thinking that I really thought there was a meeting): “Yeah. Long day.”

Me (gaining courage after a handful of these ‘meetings’): “Um. I drove by the office on the way to the grocery and the parking lot was empty.”

Him: “Are you accusing me of lying?”

Me (losing courage after I see the look on his face): “No. I’m just saying that the parking lot was empty.”

Him (still not addressing the empty parking lot): “Why do you always pull this sh**? You’re so messed up. I’m at work all day so that I can support YOU and now you’re pulling this? Great wife you are!”

Or another response:

Him: Do you seriously have nothing better to worry about? How about you spend some of this energy at the gym or cleaning this filthy house and you won’t have time to worry about this shit?” PS It wasn’t filthy – I kept a clean house.

Believe me, the way he said these things truly had me thinking I was a bad wife on more than one occasion. Or that maybe if I was skinnier, prettier, nicer, a better cook or whatever emotional bull’s-eye he was aiming for, there wouldn’t be these issues.

He was good. He knew my soft spots and weaknesses. He not only knew how to shut the questions down quickly but also how to make me not want to ask them the next time around. One good gaslighting session could buy him three or four ‘nights out with the boys.”

Also, it doesn’t have to be as extreme as these examples. In fact, the better the gaslighter, the more subtle he or she actually is. Things as seemingly innocent as “You’re overreacting” or “I never said that” or “It’s your fault” or “You’re too sensitive” or my biggest pet peeve of ALL TIME…”Calm down.” They’re all statements designed to shift your perception of the situation so that you question what you recognize to be the truth.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER

Check out this excellent Psychology Today article, “Are You Being “Gaslighted” By the Narcissist in Your Life?”

And remember, YOU DON’T DESERVE THIS! You deserve healthy communication and answers to your questions. Know the tactics and behaviors of gaslighting so that you’ll have the tools to extinguish it!