The Man with Two Phones aka The Really, Really, REALLY Bad Husband

Intrigue on the 5:16 to Jackholeville

There are just some things in this world that require you to look – you can’t help yourself. Reality television, for example. Your Aunt Enid’s mole that she thinks looks like Gandhi. Those little Kia Soul cars, because there isn’t a person alive who hasn’t peeked in the driver’s seat at least once to make sure a hamster wasn’t driving…prove me wrong.

One day, in pre-COVID times, waaaay back in 2019 when peak trains filled to the brim with NYC commuters was a thing, I was on one of them on my way home from work. Every single seat was taken and there were even a good handful of people willing to stand for the hour (plus) ride back to CT rather than wait for the next train. I was seated across from an average looking, middle-aged man who was feverishly typing on two different cell phones. He looked flustered, agitated.

As I watched him alternate between the two devices I was trying to figure out “why two phones?” Was he some sort of international exporter who was texting in two languages? Wall Street tycoon? A government agent on some super classified assignment? My curiosity was getting the best of me and I couldn’t look away. He finally put one phone down and concentrated his efforts on the smaller of the two. For some reason, my curiosity disappeared when the larger phone did and I closed my eyes for a quick nap. I dreamt of secret spy missions in fog-filled dark alleys, long trench coats, Aunt Enid’s mole and Dermot Mulroney. Always Mr. Mulroney.

When I woke, my mysterious friend was still typing. The train had cleared out a bit and instead of across from me we were now seated so that if I put on my glasses I’m sure I would have been able to make out the screen in the reflection of the train window. I’m blaming it on the grogginess of having been abruptly awoken from my Mulroney slumber – he was just whispering in my ear that he liked his women chubby – but I put on my glasses. Then I looked. It was a quick glance at first – but the words “my wife” and “I’m sorry” made me look again. “It’s not that I didn’t want to see you tonight but she’s being a b*tch. I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

Not a spy, not a multi-lingual executive…just a cheating husband who was über adept at covering the tracks of his double life. Two phones? Really? But then I remembered that my very own average looking, middle-aged non-spy then cheating husband carried around two phones for the last two years of our marriage. He explained the purchase of the second phone as his boss cutting back the personal use of all company phones. It made sense to me so I never questioned it until my best friend asked me, “Who is he making all these calls to that would justify that extra monthly expense?”

I took my glasses off. I watched as the man prepared for his stop. He opened up his briefcase and put the phone in one of the compartments but not until after he had powered it down. He shut his double life along with his briefcase and did a quick look around the train. Our eyes met. I didn’t look away. He tried to but the purposeful intensity of my stare brought him back. I slowly looked down at his wedding ring and then back up to his eyes.

For a brief moment, I thought I saw guilt in those eyes. Then I realized it wasn’t guilt at all but anger. He stood up abruptly and walked to the doors to wait for his stop. I wasn’t letting him off so easy. I turned to continue my stare until the train doors opened. Right before they did he turned to look at me. I silently scolded him. “You sir, are no Dermot Mulroney.”

I saw him a few times after that. He never took that second phone out. I wanted to believe that our eye exchange that day had an impact. Maybe he went home and loved his wife a little extra that night. Or maybe he traded the extra phone in for a gym membership. Or Rogaine. Either way, I prayed for his wife. I prayed that she makes the decisions that are best for her and her family. I pray that she has a happy life and knows her worth. Most of all, I pray that her husband comes to his senses and figures out a way to remain faithful and work on his marriage.

If not, I pray that she has a good attorney.