RULE #1 When Your Girlfriend is Getting Divorced: Be There.

Advice from a formerly terrible girlfriend

Anyone who is at least a year on the other side of divorce will immediately understand the title of this article. You learn a lot about yourself and about human nature when you go through the divorce process, but two of the biggest things you learn is not to judge and the importance of a good girlfriend.

Once upon a long time ago, when I was blissfully unaware of how unhappy my happy marriage actually was, a friend of mine invited me and my kids over for a play date. We showed up, obligatory cupcakes and juice boxes in hand, not even remotely suspecting that my friend was about to rock the world of our Kindergarten community.

As of yet, no one in our wannabe-baby-genius-Olympic-athlete-raising mommy worlds had anyone ever even uttered hints of marital discord never mind the “D” word. As a matter of fact, we rarely spoke of our marriages. Ours was still a world of soft reprimands and repeated and meaningless pleading. “No, no sweetheart. Please stop choking your baby sister.” “What do you mean you hate playing soccer? No, you love playing soccer! Now please stop crying and put your cleats on.”

So when my friend sat me down that day to very calmly explain to me that she and her husband were filing for divorce, shock doesn’t begin to describe what I felt. I was sad for her as she gave me the Reader’s Digest version of why they were splitting. Suffice it to say, when I got home that day I immediately went through all of our old cell phone bills to check my own husband’s phone activity.

But as sad as I was for her and her kids, two things went through my mind that I’m incredibly ashamed to admit. The first was that I actually judged her decision. I thought to myself, “You’re splitting up your young family over this?! Go to counseling! Get some help!” The second thing I thought and what I’m most ashamed of is, “Our friendship is going to change.”

I was a bad girlfriend. I was floating in the deep end of the self-absorption pool and wasn’t getting out for anyone. Looking back now, I know why…if I had held her hand through the process it would have shined an unwanted light on my own marriage. I instinctively knew that my marriage wasn’t strong enough to survive that kind of intensity. The cell phone bill hunt alone, unearthed “activity” that I couldn’t un-see and had broken ground on the molehill-soon-to-be mountain I was mentally beginning to build.

Fast forward to a mere 7 years later to when I started to sit my own “friends” down to have the same conversation with them about the dissolution of my marriage. I wasn’t five minutes into the first one when I completely understood that 1) I was being judged and 2) it was the beginning of the end for many of these friendships.

Admittedly, not all of the friendships went down the toilet with the marriage but any of them that were built solely on family unit connections sure did. The same women that I spent years soccer and baseball carpooling with and sharing my parenting ups and downs with had become strangers in less than a year. No one called to see how I was holding up. No one stopped by to see if I needed anything after my husband moved out and into his new girlfriends house. No one wanted to hear my side of the story. The only friends I had were the ones that had gone through a divorce or were with me before my marriage. Believe me, the irony is not lost on me that these were some of the same women that I shunned during their time of need.

Mind you, I’m not complaining! I deserved the treatment that I received because it was the treatment that I gave. I started to count the times that I heard about a “friend” of mine that was going through a divorce and did nothing. No card, no call, no visit to see if I could help. Even if that help was in the form of a listening ear.

Now things are different. I am reformed. Understanding that divorce will most likely be one of the most traumatic life events a woman can experience, whenever I hear about someone that I know getting a divorce I immediately reach out with a quick and simple text….”I heard the news today. Just know that I’m here for you. Let me know if I can do anything to make this process any easier. I’m a phone call or text away.”

This gives the woman the opportunity to respond without feeling obligated to give the gory details which is important because not everyone wants to share. Some women just need a distraction; a movie, museum trip, lunch date with no divorce talk or maybe even a few hours of babysitting so she can catch her breath. The point is to leave it up to them and just be there for them should they need you or want to talk.

Many of my friends are also divorced now. Sadly, it seems to be the way of the world. I hope that trend is changing but until it does, all of my friends will know that I’m a phone call away.